Gratitude List

 Be grateful for the good things that the Lord your God has given you and your family Deut. 26:11a (GNT)

I have heard it said that being grateful is magic. You can change your life by being thankful for all that you have. Miraculous things can happen when you look at your life in a different light. Counting your blessings is a way to make things happen in your life. Okay, that last one may just be what I hope can happen. No matter what it can’t hurt to change your perspective and thank God for all that we have.

I am grateful for:                     A:  Austin-it’s beauty, the weather, the thriving economy

                                                B: Birds-I love to watch them come to our bird feeder

                                                C: Church-Riverbend has been our home for 17 years now

                                                D: Dance and the lessons it has taught all of us

                                                E: the Earth-pulling weeds and digging in the dirt is fun!

                                                F: Family-Steve, Grace, Claire, Henry and our extended family

                                                G: God’s grace-He gives me more than I deserve

                                                H: Health-mine and my families’

                                                I: Insights-Awareness is half the battle

                                                J: Jesus Christ, who died on the cross to take away my sins

                                                K: Kissing my people ;)

                                                L: Laughter especially belly laughs

                                                M: Music-especially singing and worshipping with others

                                                N: Natural remedies-I have cured lots of ailments with tea tree & vinegar

                                                O: Olive Oil-It’s essential since I don’t eat corn, soy or peanut

                                                P: People-church people, ballet people, program people, employers, etc

                                                Q: Quiet time-I love early mornings before the patter of “little” feet

                                                R: Rain-we always need it here in Texas

                                                S: Sunshine!! I love the light and warmth

                                                T: Twelve Step programs-they saved my life and continue to help me live

                                                U: Uncomfortable situation so I can grow and lean into God

                                                V: Verses-memorized ones that come to mind in times of need

                                                W: Windows to look through and see all of God’s creations

                                                X: eXercise-especially swimming! I am a fish!

                                                Y: Years of sobriety and recovery

                                                Z: AmaZing love! God’s love is never-ending, never-failing and always forgiving

Wow! Actually, this turned out to be fairly easy and fun. Here’s a tip-don’t feel like you have to be grateful for the thing all the time. Like sometimes I’m not grateful for rain- especially when we’re supposed to have a pool party. I hope you will try this exercise in expressing thanks to God for all that you have. No matter what, there are things to be grateful for. Let me know how it was for you. Feel free to share it with me. I want to know what you’re grateful for.

Lessons I learned from our trip to Chicago

In my last post I told the story of our trip to Chicago. The trip where my 3 kids and I ended up having an experience that was not what we were expecting. However I do see God’s hand prints all over it. And I’m grateful for that. I’d much rather be in gratitude than bitter and angry- which would be easy to indulge in. So not only can I see God’s will prevailing, I can see where I had lots of opportunities to grow and stretch.

1. I can be a grown up! I made decisions and took care of my children. This is a huge step for me as I usually don’t make a decision and by putting it off I have no choice left.

2. I can face people and speak my truth when I know it’s not what the other person wants to hear. I have courage!

3. I can ask for help. It was surprisingly easy. I just needed to be vulnerable and lose my pride.

4. Prayer is ALWAYS helpful. I did a lot of praying on this trip. A friend of mine even prayed with me on the phone. That was awesome!

5. God works all things together for good for all involved. *see my last post

6. Sometimes it takes God a while to answer prayers. Of course time is a relative thing especially to God. But I usually like the answer now or yesterday.

7. Sometimes all you can do is the next right thing. Give your problem to God and then go on with your day. We can’t stop living while we are waiting.

8. I can wait on the Lord even though it might leave you in uncertainty. Yes, I can wait and it was stressful but it didn’t kill me.

9. I am flexible. I can adapt to CHANGE! Who knew?!

10. I can be a leader and be an example of faith. For my kid’s sake, I had to “act as if” I had faith and be positive that things were going to work out.

11. I can ask for what I need even if it’s uncomfortable. Pushing through the discomfort, I had to ask pointed, straight forward questions.

12. Pretending I have courage actually gives me courage. Amazing how this works.

13. Trusting my kids with God is good for me AND for the kids. The kids see that I believe God is protecting them and therefore hopefully they believe it. I get to see that God is protecting my kids and therefore I believe it more.

I could list so much more. I could also list some areas where I could have been different. I let the stress get to me sometimes and acted inappropriately. I had my times of unbelief and fear. I could have taken care of myself more. I’m going to forgive myself as God already has. I am so grateful, yes I said grateful, to have had this experience and learned these lessons. God is good! 

Mark 9:23-24 New King James Version (NKJV)

23 Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

God’s Will Not Mine

This summer I had plans. I had plans for how things would go, what we would do and what it would look like. My plans. I can say this in retrospect. I can see how they were my plans and not necessarily God’s plans. I formed my plans out of the goodness of my heart but they were still my plans. This is an account of what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.

Two of my children are ballet dancers and in the ballet world dancers are expected to attend a summer intensive every year. This shows you are serious about your dancing. These intensives give the dancers a chance to study somewhere other than their home studio. They learn different dance styles and get to hang out all day with other like minded people. The dancers audition for these intensives in January and commit by March. My children both auditioned for the Ballet Chicago program and got accepted. God provided (through Ballet Chicago’s generosity) a scholarship for both to attend at a discounted rate. God also provided (through a friend of a friend) a place for us to stay in Chicago for free! In the meantime my oldest decided she wanted to go visit relatives in upstate New York. So we got her a ticket to travel from Chicago. My plans were coming along. God had opened doors.

So the kids and I packed up my in-laws vehicle and made the 19 hour trek to Chicago. We were excited to see the skyline as we drove in bumper to bumper traffic. We arrived at the place we were staying. After unloading and grabbing a bite to eat we returned to our place. It was then that it all sunk in and we realized we could not stay there. We would not be able to live comfortably there for 6 weeks. I could go into details but it’s not necessary. For the good of the 4 of us it wasn’t going to work. At that point, my plans started to unravel.

God then provided (through the generosity of a friend) 2 nights in a hotel. God worked it so that unbeknownst to me that it was about 3 blocks away from the ballet studio.  The kids and I discussed our predicament. We decided we would just do the next right thing. God provided that our hotel was in the heart of the theater district so we enjoyed the day walking around the city. I had done what I could with emails and phone calls. My husband was working on finding us a place to stay through the internet. We just had to wait on the Lord’s prompting.

And then an answer to prayer came. A friend had found out about our situation through another friend. She had a friend that lived in a suburb of Chicago that we could stay with for 5 nights. God provided again!! We were able to stay for a week of the program at least. Our host was amazing! We were blessed by her generosity. This obviously was not my plan. My plan was shattered in many pieces like the many tears that had been shed. But God is faithful.

So the kids started the program.  My 17 year old and I shopped, washed clothes, and visited colleges while still searching for a place but reality sunk in that we couldn’t afford to stay. But God wasn’t finished revealing His big plan for us. God provided (again through the generosity of Ballet Chicago) for Claire to stay in the dorm for a nominal fee. God provided (through the generosity of Grandpa and Grandma) the finances for us to pay for her to stay. So our oldest went on to the relatives a little early, our middle child stayed in Chicago and my youngest and I returned home.

God worked it all out. God provided (through others in many cases) for all of us. I realized during this process that my fears which caused me to make these plans-my plans-were not God’s plan. God’s plan was for Claire to go to Ballet Chicago but not for me or for Henry to stay in Chicago. She wanted to be in the dorms but I was too afraid and my ego was too involved. But I also realized that in order for all of this to work out we had to go through all of it. Claire is happy to have this experience. Henry is happy to be at our home studio but grateful for the week at Ballet Chicago.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude to all of these people God used to provide for us. God is good…all the time!

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 8:28 New International Version (NIV)

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.

Did I Just Say That?

Have you ever found yourself thinking…I shouldn’t do this? Or worse yet, I shouldn’t say this. And yet WE DO act or say the exact thing we know we shouldn’t do!!! This happens to me on a regular basis. What should we or could we do about this? Wow! Isn’t that the million dollar question!

So why do we, I should really speak for myself, I continue to go through this? What makes me ignore the voice and take action in to my own hands? Have I not learned from my mistakes in the past? How has this been working for me?

Well, to be honest, whenever I don’t listen to that nudging it usually ends poorly. In most cases, the other person gets mad or I feel uncomfortable about what I said. And I regret having said it. And then quickly after the regret comes guilt and shame.  And then I wonder why I didn’t listen or just pause or say something, anything, else.

Our pastor did a sermon a couple months ago on why is so easy to do the wrong thing. For me, sometimes I just want to be bad. I just WANT to say it, whatever it is. Why is that? Maybe for the adrenaline rush. Maybe because I’m tired. Maybe I’m not in a good space at the moment. Maybe I have a resentment festering.

It’s hard to be good sometimes. It’s hard to choose the right path. It’s hard to listen to that small, still voice when the other voices seem so loud. My ego gets involved and I start getting all full of myself. I feel justified in saying what I said or acting the way I did. I am right. I know better. I judge you and think you need to know how crazy I think you’re being. When in reality, it is me who is the crazy one. Ugh.

What is the answer or answers? This involves a lot of discussion. One thing that I think might help is practicing ignoring or saying no to the voices. Maybe if I get into the habit of choosing the small, still voice it will become stronger and louder. Or I will become stronger.

Another thing is ridding myself of resentment. If I keep my side of the street clean then I won’t be so apt to lash out in anger…at the wrong person! When I am full of unresolved anger, it has a tendency to spew out at anyone who happens to wrong me. In reality even a little bit of anger can cloud my judgment. It can color my thoughts. Anger, or even irritation, can make me do things I wouldn’t normally do. Talk with a friend, admit your part and apologize. Even if it seems like you have no part—you do, trust me.

Acceptance always seems to help in any situation. In an excerpt from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it says “…Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation… unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in this God’s world by mistake.” If I can accept what’s going on then I don’t feel like I have to interfere.

One more thing that may be helpful is detaching from the situation. For me that means stepping back and keeping out. Minding my own business. Letting other people live their own lives. Staying inside my own hula hoop. When I start thinking I know what’s best for someone else I am asking for trouble. Especially if I give my opinion when they didn’t ask for it.

The biggest answer for me to this dilemma of saying or acting inappropriately is to pause. Really just stop and ask myself, “Is this any of my business? Do I need to get involved?” AND!!! To pray!!! That small still voice IS God, you know. So if we heed it, we are listening and doing God’s will. If I take the time to pray, then maybe I will come to realize that God has it all covered anyway. He doesn’t need me to try to control things (people mostly). He wants me to obey his promptings so that I can be the person he intended me to be-loving, kind, patient. God loves you and wants what’s best for you. According to Jeremiah 29:11, and I paraphrase; The Lord has plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future; to prosper you and not to harm you. Rest in this. God’s got it!

Money Can't Buy It!!!

Money Can’t Buy It by Annie Lennox

Have you ever heard this song by Annie Lennox? It’s off her CD entitled Diva. It had been a long time but I listened to it the other day. I was impressed by the words. You can listen to it on Spotify. It’s really good loud!  Usually I listen to Chrisitian music but stored in my brain are songs from my past;) It has a surprisingly good message. See what you think…

“Money can’t buy it, sex can’t buy it, drugs can’t buy it, you can’t buy it.” Wow! You might be thinking, buy what? But as I listened to it I thought of that hole inside of our hearts that we try to fill up. As an addict I have tried to fill it with all kinds of things-alcohol, food, shopping (things), relationships, activities, etc and the list goes on.

 “I believe that love alone might do these things for you.” So here might be the solution. But before you get ahead of me…I once had a very wise Bible teacher who repeated over and over that God is love. So that is what I am choosing to believe is the meaning here. Not a love relationship with a human being but a love relationship with God. God loves me and he loves you. He wants us to have a relationship with him! That hole has His name on it!

”All the money in the world can’t buy peace of mind.” This is a tough one for me. I think that if I had more money I could get this or I could do this or I wouldn’t have this problem or I’d be happier or things would be different. Maybe things would be different but I wouldn’t be different. Everywhere I went there I would be. What’s that saying?-Happiness is an inside job.

”You can have it all but you still won’t be satisfied.” It has been pointed out that even if we had more it would never be enough. Would I be satisfied? It appears that no matter what most times I am not satisfied. I want more. More Christmas decorations, more clothes, more shoes, more eating out, more opportunities for the kids, MORE.

”I believe in love alone.” BUT…we can be satisfied in Christ. He is always enough. He can fill our heart. He can fill our soul. He can take away that hole in my heart because He loves me. He loves me with an unfailing love. He is love. Period. To quote another song-“All we need is Love”! Indeed!

My hope for me and my family and for you is that we all realize that the answer is always more of God. The answer to all my longings is God. When we turn to God in times of desire to ask “Is this your will for me?” and we listen, God will answer. When we ask ourselves “Is this decision based on Love or fear?”, we will know the answer. Then we can know the peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:7

King James Version (KJV)

⁷ And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 13:5

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.

FOOD!

So, for the last 5 months my family and I have been on an adventure regarding the food we eat. Inspired by the desire to help our kids, we embarked on a journey hoping to get some answers to some nagging questions.

We started by eliminating possible allergens.
      No:   sugar, eggs, dairy, wheat (gluten), soy, citrus, apples, peanuts (a few of us went off all nuts), chocolate, tomatoes, corn, legumes (we did eat green beans), yeast, gums, all foods ending in "ite" and "ate"
             
You might ask, "What did you eat?". Well, a lot of rice, potatoes, oats, fruit and vegetables. Our regular lunch was sunflower seed butter and rice cakes!  It was quite difficult--just ask the kids!  You would be amazed (I know I was) at what is in the food we eat and the supposedly healthy food we eat. Sugar is salad dressing, lunch meat, bread, bacon, etc. And soy, wow!  Soy is in cereal, rice mixes, marinades, granola bars and of course, Asian food! The first month we never ate out.

I was THRILLED! This was supposed to be about the kids but I was OVERJOYED!  I have never felt better! Or at least for a very long time.  And originally I was quite nervous.  You see, I was diagnosed almost 25 years ago as having Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  I battled with horribly painful spasms in my stomach and serious issues with bowels. If I ate a salad like a chef's salad, I would be in the bathroom before we finished doing the dishes. If I ate something like chili, same thing.

But by eliminating all the possible allergens I was not having any cramping or spasms or pain.  I was actually having regular bowel movements--I know TMI! But it was true. More honesty here--I had been praying to God about my stomach issues and been telling him that I would be happy if only I would have daily bowel movements.  That is how desperate I was.

The next step was to tryout, one at a time, the foods we had eliminated. A difficult process because you try it one day and then wait 3 more days to see how it interacts with your system. With some items I knew within a half an hour. With others it took several hours up to days. My oldest has had the hardest time of the kids--no more dairy, egg, almonds, or peanuts for her. The middle child keeps denying any problems. My son has no issues (just like his dad) except what we already knew-he gets eczema from eating too much soy products. I still have many foods to try.  I don't want to mess with a good thing. I have not been feeling as great these days. It's hard to eat limited foods for 5 months.  BUT, I would not trade this for the world.  My quality of life is so much better.  And all because I became willing to do something different.

Thank you God for willingness.  Thank you God for the mercy. Thank you God for the awareness.

Gratitude. I have been told many times by my sponsor in AA to make a gratitude list.  Sometimes I follow direction and do it; other times I don't but that's another blog post;)

I believe there have been many reasons I have been asked to do a gratitude list. One is to get me back into the present moment--back to reality. Another is to help me to see that what I do have is more than enough especially when I am feeling self pity. Maybe another reason is to see that God is taking care of me, always has and always will.  In any case, an "attitude of gratitude" is a great tool in to use for any type of recovery.

Sometimes a sponsee will say to me, I don't feel very grateful.  Well, at this stage I will suggest that they "fake it til they make it" meaning just do it anyway! There are always things to be grateful for. People to be grateful for. Even if it's just a few.  At some point I was told to list 10 items and I know that at times in my recovery I had a hard time coming up with that many. Self pity has been a character defect that I have battled with for a long time and I think for me that has been why I have had a hard time making gratitude lists.

So here is my basic gratitude list.
I am grateful for:   a cool (or warm or dry) house to live in
                            a working, safe car to drive
                            my husband
                            my children
                            my mother
                            my husband's parents
                            my God
                            my church
                            my church friends
                            AA
                            my AA friends
                           
Look at that!  11!
Old gratitude lists included:
                           this day
                           my cats
                           the sunshine
                           warm weather
                           my health
                           the kids taking naps
                           quiet time

You get the idea. Take some of mine. Write anything but do it.  Make a start. It will help. Fake it. Fake it until you actually start to feel grateful. Plus if you keep your lists, it's a great way to track your recovery.

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Psalm 69:30

I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Oh my gosh!  It's been almost a year and a half since I posted anything.  I have let my fears get the best of me.  I had a friend call me just yesterday and tell me a bout something she had just read.  It was about fear.  It said something like that if fear knocked at the door and faith answered that fear had no way of entering. I need to have faith that if God is leading me to do this and because of that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13.

So I want to write but to tell the truth I get a little overwhelmed with the details especially how often to write. I want to be consistent but I also want (have) to have a balance.  I have kids at home to teach, a house to run, errands to do, volunteering commitments to follow through on and kids to transport.  I feel like I should blog every day (for some reason) and when I don't I get discouraged. It's a dilemma.

Plus I am in a debate with myself about even publishing this because I haven't written in so long.  I feel shame, guilt, pressure, stress and fear.  I want to be responsible and write regularly but God knows I am not disciplined so he's going to have to discipline me--be careful what I ask for, huh?!  But am I going to let fear rule my life? You know what fear stands for, don't you?  False Evidence Appearing Real. Forget Everything And Run. Or am I going to Face Everything (fear) And Recover?

I can ask God to remove my fear and turn my attention elsewhere.  I can ask God to remove my fear and help someone else.  I can give God my fear because he tells me not to fear. "Fear not for I shall redeem you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1.  "Do not be afraid." Luke 2:10.

Fear.

What will your choice be?

More Lent Thoughts

Last week we had an assignment to make amends with an old friend. In the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous it is suggested that after taking an inventory that we make amends to persons we have harmed. This has always been a hard step for me. I have not completed my step work many times because of this particular step. It's hard to admit to someone that you have been wrong.

It really didn't take me long to think of someone. To some people it would have seemed silly and maybe not even worth mentioning but I have been thinking about it for a while. I knew that I was wrong when I took the action but it took me a while to figure out why I had done it. This particular amends was about me wanting someone else to be different--me wanting someone else to change--me thinking that my way was better. I was being judgmental. And in a very, sneaky, nasty kind of way I tried to make them not do what they wanted to do-a kind of peer pressure.

So the point is, I didn't want to make the amends. I tried halfheartedly tried to contact this person. Yes, I used the phone. She lives in another state so I didn't have much choice. She called me back and I wasn't available. So in a few days I called her back. My friend did not remember the circumstance but was very gracious in accepting the apology. She also said some nice things in return. It was a relief.

I don't have to carry this around any longer and I can have a cleaner relationship with my friend. Now when I see her again it won't be so strained. Thank God for forgiveness and mercy and grace. I would be a shadow of the person I am had it not been for God sending His Son to die on the cross for me and to take away my sins. Thank you Lord!

Fasting during Daylight hours

This was actually our directive for Wednesday, February 29th which happened to be Leap Day! We were to fast during the daylight hours. I was assigned the task of writing about it for our community group which meant I had to do it. Yikes!

I have a lot of issues around food and my body so I was feeling quite apprehensive about this task. So apprehensive in fact that I completely missed that there was scripture tied in with the fasting-Isaiah 48. I kept thinking about it and I guess God was trying to get me to look at my calendar. I was so focused and dare I say obsessed with my self that I wasn't focused on God. I missed the important part--the word of God. Bummer!

The fast itself was actually fairly simple. It kind of felt like the easier, softer fast since it was only for the daylight hours but since it was my first fast I guess I should be grateful. I ate breakfast in the dark (not literally) so I then only had to wait until about 7pm to eat dinner. I started feeling hungry at about 11:30am and I think Satan was up to his tricks. I was feeling a little weird so I prayed to God to be with me and I felt fine after that. Whenever I started thinking about food I would pray and the sensations eased.

What was also difficult for me was the starting to eat again. I didn't feel very hungry until I started eating. I was also concerned at what I was putting into my mouth and how would my body accept it. The scary part was the feelings I had after I started eating. I wanted to keep eating even though I knew I should have been full and satisfied and that reminded me of my eating disorders--especially the bingeing after depriving myself. I didn't over do it though and I physically felt fine after and did not have to berate myself for overdoing it.

All in all, the fasting was a good experience for me. I learned that I could be hungry and still be okay. I learned that not eating for 12 hours wouldn't kill me. And I also learned that "I can do all things with Christ Jesus who strengthenths me" Philippians 4:13. Last but not the very least at all, I learned to trust Jesus more and fear less. I actually have been relying on that since then.

Trust Jesus more, Fear everything less.

Meditate for 20 minutes?

We were asked to read Psalm 46 and to meditate for 2o minutes. I was happy with this one because I knew it would be doable. The one glitch is that it was for Sunday morning. That could be tricky with trying to get to church on time.

My husband and I got up at 5:45am so that we might finish before a child woke up. My favorite part of the psalm and what seemed most appropriate to meditate on was "Be still and know that I am God". So that became my words to focus on and to come back to.

Of course I had the same experience I usually have--a million different thoughts in my head bombarding me and taking me away from my center. But I kept at it and right when the timer was about to go off, I heard my little boy's voice call out for me. At least he waited:)

It was a good day and I heard the verse over and over in my head throughout the day. I know that was part of the reason the day went so well. God's word as soon as you wake up and time in quiet stillness. Try it, you might like it.

Read & Pray to be Others Centered

Yesterday's assignment was to read some passages from Philippians and to pray to be others focused. Another one I thought I could handle. And I did--actually we did. Steve and I read the passages together and then prayed. Done!

Yes, it could be that quick but let's think about it just a little, in retrospect of course.

We read, we prayed, I went about my business. Was I thinking about being others focused all day? No, I wasn't. So I could get down on myself about that or I could look at my day and see how I reacted to others. I was actually a little more patient and didn't get judgemental like I usually do. I let people in front of me and didn't react when people jumped in front of me. You may not think that sounds like much but these are big issues I get all in a unchristian-like tizzy over.

But I didn't do it. God did it. He worked through me. He heard my prayer and helped me (in spite of me) in all these circumstances. I spent some time in His Word and praying to him--And HE answered. It is not in my human power to change myself; I need His help. Thank God I can ask and be heard.

I pray we all ask for God's help in our lives and for His will to be done.

What was the best part of your day so far?

Yesterday we were challenged to start conversations by saying, "What was the best part of your day so far?" How did you do? Were you able to change your routine? Was it uncomfortable to be so giving? What were the responses you got? I found it challenging!

While I was on the phone with the pediatricians office, I was thinking how am I going to fit this into the conversation? While I was on the phone with a solicitor, I found myself thinking when can I ask him this? At the grocery store, I forgot about it. I wrote some emails and asked the question but only at the end of the email. I did ask my children throughout the day. I asked my husband a couple of times. I did ask a child at ballet last night but it wasn't at the beginning of the conversation.

What was the outcome? My kids kept saying things like "being with you Mama". What does that say about our relationship? I am not sure. My husband had some nice, sweet answers (I don't want to embarrass him by saying what they were). The boy at ballet didn't even think about it. One person I emailed said it made them laugh in a sad way. So, varied but I think if I had really stretched and asked those people even though I didn't know how to ask I would have had even more varied, interesting and probably surprising responses.

So, what did I learn? Well, it seems like I keep learning the same thing? I don't like stepping out of my little comfort zone. I don't want to appear silly. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I am afraid. Really. I am afraid of looking dumb (or silly or crazy or weird-take your pick).

But maybe, it's more than that. Maybe it's a fear of people. It's a fear of knowing people. A fear of getting to know people. Getting close to people. Then being hurt by people or feeling feelings I don't want to feel. Maybe it's a fear of feelings. Or maybe it's a fear of people getting to know me!! I don't even want to talk about it. I get to this part of the conversation and I'm done. So I know I am getting close. Maybe as we continue this journey I will become more willing to go to the next level.

Because maybe as some of you know, the thing we fear the most is the thing we want the most! The relationships and closeness I fear is probably the the things I desire the most.

Wow! Way too much information! Go talk to others and enjoy them!

No Texting, please...

Another day on the Lenten calendar and another task to try out. My community group at church has started on a 40 day journey of sacrifice and of dying to the self(ego). We are doing this to honor the sacrifice Jesus made for us. Usually you hear of people giving up one thing for for the whole 40 days but we are giving up one thing a day. And it's not really giving something up it's actually doing something different-something to help us change so we can become more like the person God intended us to be.

So, yesterday's challenge was to not text and to use the phone instead. I am proud to say I didn't text even one person! It was so easy! Okay, all of you who know me can quit laughing now:) They all know that I don't text anyway. I have a phone that is pretty old and has 3 letters per number key so it takes me a half an hour to just type "I don't text"--the apostrophe takes me a good ten minutes alone. I was so excited when I saw this on the calendar; I knew I could at least accomplish this one.

But here's the thing, I don't think it was only about not texting. I think it was about putting a halt on the impersonal, technological way our society has become. I think the real meaning was in the calling part. The point I took away from this task was that we are called to be in community and to be in relationship. And nothing encourages closeness than one on one interaction. We can have a psuedo relationship with anyone through texting or emailing or facebooking but a true, intimate, god breathed relationship can only be nurtured through face to face contact.

If you missed this opportunity yesterday, try it today--I dare you! Call one person or make a date to meet someone for coffee or take a few minutes with your spouse to talk. I am challenging myself to do this not only today but everyday.

The Encounter by Stephen Arterburn

In “The Encounter” by Stephen Arterburn, the main character, Jonathan Rush, travels to Alaska in search of information on his mother who abandoned him when he was young. The story takes our reluctant explorer on a trip with many unexpected turns and twists while he also takes a journey in his heart.

I like to read books that keep my interest and that also inspire me. I found this book to be quite entertaining. I could also relate to the main character in many ways. It’s the kind of book that I really enjoy. Jonathan Rush wants to find out about his past but is afraid and a little apprehensive. He knows that what he finds out will most likely change his life but he’s not really sure he wants to change.

Jonathan meets a reporter who wants to interview him but she turns out to be someone who can help him. Erica with her investigative skills helps Jonathan in finding information about his past. They work together to uncover the truth and in the mean time draw closer together.

I liked this book although it was almost too easy. I didn’t feel the depth of emotions that help me to become more personally invested. The idea of forgiveness that is carried throughout the book does appeal to me and I would love to experience that in all my relationships. Overall, I found “The Encounter” to be a book that I am glad that I read and pass along to others.

Lent started yesterday...

Yesterday was Wednesday, February 22nd and the beginning of Lent. You may say, but you are not Catholic...what does is it matter to you? Well, here it is--I am trying to be a part of my community at church and to take part in a Lenten challenge. Each day throughout the 40 days we have been asked to give up something different every day. It's not really giving up something each day but doing something different--something to make us get out of our box, I think. It's a way of dying to self. Doing and being something different.

So for the next 40 days, I have committed to blogging my reflections on the previous days directive. This in itself is a way for me me to do something different because I have a hard time staying committed to writing--discipline is also not my strong suit:)

So, yesterday's "assignment" was to participate in Ash Wednesday by getting ashes put on our forehead. Let me say right away that I did not do it. You may wonder what I might have to say since I didn't complete the task but actually I have been thinking about it a lot and have some observations.

1. I was uncomfortable going to a different church-ego

2. I didn't want to drag my children with me-excuse, my oldest could have watched them.

3. I wondered about how the Catholics would feel about a non catholic taking in part--just looked it up and it is not a sacrament so anyone is welcome--ego

4. It was inconvenient-excuse, again

5. This is the biggest and saddest of all--I would have been embarrassed having people look at me--EGO!!! And might I say, Satan.

What I realized and let take hold of me causing me not to take part in the very first day of our challenge is I am very prideful. This would have been a perfect opportunity to have part of my ego(self) die. I allowed Satan to talk me out of something that would have allowed him LESS of a hold on my life. One of my biggest obstacles, character defects, if you will, is being egotistical. I am way too much the center of my own life. And I think you think about me a bunch too.

Here's the thing--I am not the center of the universe. Other people barely notice me. Isn't Jesus much more important than what other people would think of me if I had ashes on my forehead? What a witness I could have been for the Christian faith! What an example I could have been for others feeling the same way I was!

So here I sit committed to following the rest of the directives in order to die to self and live for Christ. God sacrificed His Son for me and in return I want to sacrifice my ego and self to Him. I am excited! Stay tuned to see what happens!

"A Place Called Blessing" by John Trent

This is my kind of book--an entertaining, engaging story with a wonderful redeeming ending. I want to read a book that I not only enjoy but learn from too. I want to be touched by a story and learn more about my Savior and His mercy in the process. If you need healing from issues in your past, read this book.

This storyline may be hard for some to believe but God works in mysterious ways. Oh, how He loves us! And you can see this throughout the book. It is true what the scripture says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV). I don't want to give away the ending so I won't go in to details but you will be amazed at how this story turns out.

I have read the previous book called "The Blessing" by John Trent and Gary Smalley. I found the premise awesome but had trouble completing the book. I am more of a fiction reader than a text book type reader. Reading time is precious to me and since I really like entertainment but don't go to many movies or theater, I want a book to take me away to a wonderful place that makes me feel good when I am done. This is one of those books.

So, read this book. it's a fairly quick read but not an easy one. I really enjoyed it.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

The holidays are coming!

Hold on to your calendars! The next 2 months are going to fly by like donuts at a police station (no offense)! I can't believe in a few days it will be November. Phew! Wasn't it just 100 degrees outside? Oh, yes it was, as a matter of fact! That is just how it is in Austin--one day it's 100 and the next it's Thanksgiving!

I love this time of year but it is overwhelming. I know everyone has a lot going on with presents to buy, meals to prepare for, parties to attend, houses to decorate (and like the old commercial said) and so on and so on and so on...you get the picture. Anyway, we can all get a little frazzled and stressed out if we let it all get to us.

This year I'm trying something a little different. I have started shopping already and have picked up some things along the way. I do have a lot more to go but at least I have a jump on it. It also helps that I have been out shopping by myself lately. Up until recently I have had 3 helpers with me everywhere I go but not anymore! It's peace and quiet!

I also have been meditating and praying each morning to help maintain my sanity. I need those few moments of quiet time to center myself in the word of God. I need inspiration every morning to get me on the right track. I so enjoy it and I am relying on it to. I think it also reminds me to slow down from the moment I get up.

My calendar is all filled out but there will probably be a few additions. Like now we have decided to travel for Thanksgiving. Hopefully that is one of the last things to be added. I know of a birthday party that one of my girls might be invited to and maybe one for my son. It is kind of fun to have a full schedule especially when they are fun events--birthday parties for our kids, a tree lighting, a symphony sing along, a cookie exchange, a brunch with Santa and all kinds of other things. It's a great time to be happy and full of joy.

I am hoping to be all done with shopping and wrapping by the end of November so we can enjoy December. I really would have liked to be done by November but oh well. Now if only I could get the house cleaned...that's another subject for another time!

Our Family of Fish

I am not talking real fish. This summer in Austin, I am not sure any fish could survive. We are at 47 days of over 100 degrees and there is no end in sight. Plus we are in a drought so it's extremely dry. We have found the only way to enjoy being outside is in a pool and acting like fish!

The kids took two weeks of swim lessons that finished up last week (with a case of swimmer's ear I might add). We had a blast. Each day they had lessons we brought a lunch and then went back into the pool to swim for a while. It was the best way to practice and get a little exercise while keeping cool. We are quite tan which leads me to believe our sun screen is more of a screen than a block.

The kids passed their levels with flying colors and could have moved up in lessons this week but it's a little pricey to do 2 sessions. I actually wanted my daughters and I to take diving lessons but what would we do with the 4 year old boy? He probably would go off the diving board but I am not sure what would happen after that! Good thing we didn't sign up for any swimming with the ear thing.

Swimming is something our family loves to do together. The four year old wil no doubt be going off the diving board next year. He can't wait. We practice jumping in and swimming right to the side so he will be ready when the time comes. The girls progressed so much this year, I am amazed. I wish we swam with friends more often so they would be pushed along with their skills. Peer pressure can be good in a few situations:)

I got to swim some laps last week and it was awesome. I think that God made me to swim. Seriously! Since I was a little girl I have loved swimming and I think God equipped me with a gift for swimming and diving. When I swim I feel so at peace. Even when I smell a chlorinated pool I feel at home. It's hard to explain.

Maybe it's something like "Peace like a river" or like being baptized and washing away sin. I could be reaching but I truly feel God's presence when I am floating in a lake or swimming laps in a swimming pool or flipping off a diving board. I wish I could have the same feeling all day long.

Swimming related favorites:

The Wiggles- Wiggle Bay and the song "Swimming like a Fish"

Peter Gabriel- I Go Swimming

Esther Williams- Take Me Out to The Ballgame

The Waiting Place by Eileen Button

Wow! I love this book! I am an avid reader of fiction and especially Christian fiction. I can finish a book in just a couple of days. I was a little worried about this book because I knew it wasn't a "story" but it was awesome:) I think it took me a week to finish it.

This book is many essays woven together to tell the story of the author's life. The author writes about the times of waiting in our lives-waiting to for an idea to write about, waiting to be married, waiting for someone to die, waiting for a fish to bite. Then she goes on to talk about that in each situation we get to choose whether to be in that moment or wish the time away. Near the end of the book, Eileen relates a time in her life where she heard God's voice, listened, took the action and then shared how good it felt to do his will. In this particular story, she didn't wait but acted on her inner leadings.

So, the number one thing that caught my attention right away is that Eileen grew up in the same city that I did-good old Rochester, New York. I was amused to hear her talk about some of her experiences there-rooting for the Buffalo Bills, eating pepperoni bread, shopping at Wegman's SUPERmarket--I felt a little homesick.

I also related to her age wise. From the references about Andy Gibb, to the stretched out extra long telephone cord, to reading Judy Blume, to curling irons, I surmised that we grew up about the same time. She was in college in 1987 and so was I. This added to my interest in her writings.

What I really enjoyed was her personal stories about waiting. We all wait and she goes on to say that we can learn from these times instead of getting irritated with them. We can actually enjoy the wait and can get pleasure from those times.

I would recommend that any one who ever attends church read this book. It gave me a new perspective on how taxing a job of being a senior pastor can be. I think we all need to be grateful for our pastors...and to pray for them and their families.

I can't wait to read another one of her books!

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”