Gratitude. I have been told many times by my sponsor in AA to make a gratitude list.  Sometimes I follow direction and do it; other times I don't but that's another blog post;)

I believe there have been many reasons I have been asked to do a gratitude list. One is to get me back into the present moment--back to reality. Another is to help me to see that what I do have is more than enough especially when I am feeling self pity. Maybe another reason is to see that God is taking care of me, always has and always will.  In any case, an "attitude of gratitude" is a great tool in to use for any type of recovery.

Sometimes a sponsee will say to me, I don't feel very grateful.  Well, at this stage I will suggest that they "fake it til they make it" meaning just do it anyway! There are always things to be grateful for. People to be grateful for. Even if it's just a few.  At some point I was told to list 10 items and I know that at times in my recovery I had a hard time coming up with that many. Self pity has been a character defect that I have battled with for a long time and I think for me that has been why I have had a hard time making gratitude lists.

So here is my basic gratitude list.
I am grateful for:   a cool (or warm or dry) house to live in
                            a working, safe car to drive
                            my husband
                            my children
                            my mother
                            my husband's parents
                            my God
                            my church
                            my church friends
                            AA
                            my AA friends
                           
Look at that!  11!
Old gratitude lists included:
                           this day
                           my cats
                           the sunshine
                           warm weather
                           my health
                           the kids taking naps
                           quiet time

You get the idea. Take some of mine. Write anything but do it.  Make a start. It will help. Fake it. Fake it until you actually start to feel grateful. Plus if you keep your lists, it's a great way to track your recovery.

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Psalm 69:30

I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Oh my gosh!  It's been almost a year and a half since I posted anything.  I have let my fears get the best of me.  I had a friend call me just yesterday and tell me a bout something she had just read.  It was about fear.  It said something like that if fear knocked at the door and faith answered that fear had no way of entering. I need to have faith that if God is leading me to do this and because of that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13.

So I want to write but to tell the truth I get a little overwhelmed with the details especially how often to write. I want to be consistent but I also want (have) to have a balance.  I have kids at home to teach, a house to run, errands to do, volunteering commitments to follow through on and kids to transport.  I feel like I should blog every day (for some reason) and when I don't I get discouraged. It's a dilemma.

Plus I am in a debate with myself about even publishing this because I haven't written in so long.  I feel shame, guilt, pressure, stress and fear.  I want to be responsible and write regularly but God knows I am not disciplined so he's going to have to discipline me--be careful what I ask for, huh?!  But am I going to let fear rule my life? You know what fear stands for, don't you?  False Evidence Appearing Real. Forget Everything And Run. Or am I going to Face Everything (fear) And Recover?

I can ask God to remove my fear and turn my attention elsewhere.  I can ask God to remove my fear and help someone else.  I can give God my fear because he tells me not to fear. "Fear not for I shall redeem you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1.  "Do not be afraid." Luke 2:10.

Fear.

What will your choice be?

More Lent Thoughts

Last week we had an assignment to make amends with an old friend. In the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous it is suggested that after taking an inventory that we make amends to persons we have harmed. This has always been a hard step for me. I have not completed my step work many times because of this particular step. It's hard to admit to someone that you have been wrong.

It really didn't take me long to think of someone. To some people it would have seemed silly and maybe not even worth mentioning but I have been thinking about it for a while. I knew that I was wrong when I took the action but it took me a while to figure out why I had done it. This particular amends was about me wanting someone else to be different--me wanting someone else to change--me thinking that my way was better. I was being judgmental. And in a very, sneaky, nasty kind of way I tried to make them not do what they wanted to do-a kind of peer pressure.

So the point is, I didn't want to make the amends. I tried halfheartedly tried to contact this person. Yes, I used the phone. She lives in another state so I didn't have much choice. She called me back and I wasn't available. So in a few days I called her back. My friend did not remember the circumstance but was very gracious in accepting the apology. She also said some nice things in return. It was a relief.

I don't have to carry this around any longer and I can have a cleaner relationship with my friend. Now when I see her again it won't be so strained. Thank God for forgiveness and mercy and grace. I would be a shadow of the person I am had it not been for God sending His Son to die on the cross for me and to take away my sins. Thank you Lord!

Fasting during Daylight hours

This was actually our directive for Wednesday, February 29th which happened to be Leap Day! We were to fast during the daylight hours. I was assigned the task of writing about it for our community group which meant I had to do it. Yikes!

I have a lot of issues around food and my body so I was feeling quite apprehensive about this task. So apprehensive in fact that I completely missed that there was scripture tied in with the fasting-Isaiah 48. I kept thinking about it and I guess God was trying to get me to look at my calendar. I was so focused and dare I say obsessed with my self that I wasn't focused on God. I missed the important part--the word of God. Bummer!

The fast itself was actually fairly simple. It kind of felt like the easier, softer fast since it was only for the daylight hours but since it was my first fast I guess I should be grateful. I ate breakfast in the dark (not literally) so I then only had to wait until about 7pm to eat dinner. I started feeling hungry at about 11:30am and I think Satan was up to his tricks. I was feeling a little weird so I prayed to God to be with me and I felt fine after that. Whenever I started thinking about food I would pray and the sensations eased.

What was also difficult for me was the starting to eat again. I didn't feel very hungry until I started eating. I was also concerned at what I was putting into my mouth and how would my body accept it. The scary part was the feelings I had after I started eating. I wanted to keep eating even though I knew I should have been full and satisfied and that reminded me of my eating disorders--especially the bingeing after depriving myself. I didn't over do it though and I physically felt fine after and did not have to berate myself for overdoing it.

All in all, the fasting was a good experience for me. I learned that I could be hungry and still be okay. I learned that not eating for 12 hours wouldn't kill me. And I also learned that "I can do all things with Christ Jesus who strengthenths me" Philippians 4:13. Last but not the very least at all, I learned to trust Jesus more and fear less. I actually have been relying on that since then.

Trust Jesus more, Fear everything less.

Meditate for 20 minutes?

We were asked to read Psalm 46 and to meditate for 2o minutes. I was happy with this one because I knew it would be doable. The one glitch is that it was for Sunday morning. That could be tricky with trying to get to church on time.

My husband and I got up at 5:45am so that we might finish before a child woke up. My favorite part of the psalm and what seemed most appropriate to meditate on was "Be still and know that I am God". So that became my words to focus on and to come back to.

Of course I had the same experience I usually have--a million different thoughts in my head bombarding me and taking me away from my center. But I kept at it and right when the timer was about to go off, I heard my little boy's voice call out for me. At least he waited:)

It was a good day and I heard the verse over and over in my head throughout the day. I know that was part of the reason the day went so well. God's word as soon as you wake up and time in quiet stillness. Try it, you might like it.

Read & Pray to be Others Centered

Yesterday's assignment was to read some passages from Philippians and to pray to be others focused. Another one I thought I could handle. And I did--actually we did. Steve and I read the passages together and then prayed. Done!

Yes, it could be that quick but let's think about it just a little, in retrospect of course.

We read, we prayed, I went about my business. Was I thinking about being others focused all day? No, I wasn't. So I could get down on myself about that or I could look at my day and see how I reacted to others. I was actually a little more patient and didn't get judgemental like I usually do. I let people in front of me and didn't react when people jumped in front of me. You may not think that sounds like much but these are big issues I get all in a unchristian-like tizzy over.

But I didn't do it. God did it. He worked through me. He heard my prayer and helped me (in spite of me) in all these circumstances. I spent some time in His Word and praying to him--And HE answered. It is not in my human power to change myself; I need His help. Thank God I can ask and be heard.

I pray we all ask for God's help in our lives and for His will to be done.

What was the best part of your day so far?

Yesterday we were challenged to start conversations by saying, "What was the best part of your day so far?" How did you do? Were you able to change your routine? Was it uncomfortable to be so giving? What were the responses you got? I found it challenging!

While I was on the phone with the pediatricians office, I was thinking how am I going to fit this into the conversation? While I was on the phone with a solicitor, I found myself thinking when can I ask him this? At the grocery store, I forgot about it. I wrote some emails and asked the question but only at the end of the email. I did ask my children throughout the day. I asked my husband a couple of times. I did ask a child at ballet last night but it wasn't at the beginning of the conversation.

What was the outcome? My kids kept saying things like "being with you Mama". What does that say about our relationship? I am not sure. My husband had some nice, sweet answers (I don't want to embarrass him by saying what they were). The boy at ballet didn't even think about it. One person I emailed said it made them laugh in a sad way. So, varied but I think if I had really stretched and asked those people even though I didn't know how to ask I would have had even more varied, interesting and probably surprising responses.

So, what did I learn? Well, it seems like I keep learning the same thing? I don't like stepping out of my little comfort zone. I don't want to appear silly. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I am afraid. Really. I am afraid of looking dumb (or silly or crazy or weird-take your pick).

But maybe, it's more than that. Maybe it's a fear of people. It's a fear of knowing people. A fear of getting to know people. Getting close to people. Then being hurt by people or feeling feelings I don't want to feel. Maybe it's a fear of feelings. Or maybe it's a fear of people getting to know me!! I don't even want to talk about it. I get to this part of the conversation and I'm done. So I know I am getting close. Maybe as we continue this journey I will become more willing to go to the next level.

Because maybe as some of you know, the thing we fear the most is the thing we want the most! The relationships and closeness I fear is probably the the things I desire the most.

Wow! Way too much information! Go talk to others and enjoy them!