Did I Just Say That?

Have you ever found yourself thinking…I shouldn’t do this? Or worse yet, I shouldn’t say this. And yet WE DO act or say the exact thing we know we shouldn’t do!!! This happens to me on a regular basis. What should we or could we do about this? Wow! Isn’t that the million dollar question!

So why do we, I should really speak for myself, I continue to go through this? What makes me ignore the voice and take action in to my own hands? Have I not learned from my mistakes in the past? How has this been working for me?

Well, to be honest, whenever I don’t listen to that nudging it usually ends poorly. In most cases, the other person gets mad or I feel uncomfortable about what I said. And I regret having said it. And then quickly after the regret comes guilt and shame.  And then I wonder why I didn’t listen or just pause or say something, anything, else.

Our pastor did a sermon a couple months ago on why is so easy to do the wrong thing. For me, sometimes I just want to be bad. I just WANT to say it, whatever it is. Why is that? Maybe for the adrenaline rush. Maybe because I’m tired. Maybe I’m not in a good space at the moment. Maybe I have a resentment festering.

It’s hard to be good sometimes. It’s hard to choose the right path. It’s hard to listen to that small, still voice when the other voices seem so loud. My ego gets involved and I start getting all full of myself. I feel justified in saying what I said or acting the way I did. I am right. I know better. I judge you and think you need to know how crazy I think you’re being. When in reality, it is me who is the crazy one. Ugh.

What is the answer or answers? This involves a lot of discussion. One thing that I think might help is practicing ignoring or saying no to the voices. Maybe if I get into the habit of choosing the small, still voice it will become stronger and louder. Or I will become stronger.

Another thing is ridding myself of resentment. If I keep my side of the street clean then I won’t be so apt to lash out in anger…at the wrong person! When I am full of unresolved anger, it has a tendency to spew out at anyone who happens to wrong me. In reality even a little bit of anger can cloud my judgment. It can color my thoughts. Anger, or even irritation, can make me do things I wouldn’t normally do. Talk with a friend, admit your part and apologize. Even if it seems like you have no part—you do, trust me.

Acceptance always seems to help in any situation. In an excerpt from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it says “…Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation… unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in this God’s world by mistake.” If I can accept what’s going on then I don’t feel like I have to interfere.

One more thing that may be helpful is detaching from the situation. For me that means stepping back and keeping out. Minding my own business. Letting other people live their own lives. Staying inside my own hula hoop. When I start thinking I know what’s best for someone else I am asking for trouble. Especially if I give my opinion when they didn’t ask for it.

The biggest answer for me to this dilemma of saying or acting inappropriately is to pause. Really just stop and ask myself, “Is this any of my business? Do I need to get involved?” AND!!! To pray!!! That small still voice IS God, you know. So if we heed it, we are listening and doing God’s will. If I take the time to pray, then maybe I will come to realize that God has it all covered anyway. He doesn’t need me to try to control things (people mostly). He wants me to obey his promptings so that I can be the person he intended me to be-loving, kind, patient. God loves you and wants what’s best for you. According to Jeremiah 29:11, and I paraphrase; The Lord has plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future; to prosper you and not to harm you. Rest in this. God’s got it!

Money Can't Buy It!!!

Money Can’t Buy It by Annie Lennox

Have you ever heard this song by Annie Lennox? It’s off her CD entitled Diva. It had been a long time but I listened to it the other day. I was impressed by the words. You can listen to it on Spotify. It’s really good loud!  Usually I listen to Chrisitian music but stored in my brain are songs from my past;) It has a surprisingly good message. See what you think…

“Money can’t buy it, sex can’t buy it, drugs can’t buy it, you can’t buy it.” Wow! You might be thinking, buy what? But as I listened to it I thought of that hole inside of our hearts that we try to fill up. As an addict I have tried to fill it with all kinds of things-alcohol, food, shopping (things), relationships, activities, etc and the list goes on.

 “I believe that love alone might do these things for you.” So here might be the solution. But before you get ahead of me…I once had a very wise Bible teacher who repeated over and over that God is love. So that is what I am choosing to believe is the meaning here. Not a love relationship with a human being but a love relationship with God. God loves me and he loves you. He wants us to have a relationship with him! That hole has His name on it!

”All the money in the world can’t buy peace of mind.” This is a tough one for me. I think that if I had more money I could get this or I could do this or I wouldn’t have this problem or I’d be happier or things would be different. Maybe things would be different but I wouldn’t be different. Everywhere I went there I would be. What’s that saying?-Happiness is an inside job.

”You can have it all but you still won’t be satisfied.” It has been pointed out that even if we had more it would never be enough. Would I be satisfied? It appears that no matter what most times I am not satisfied. I want more. More Christmas decorations, more clothes, more shoes, more eating out, more opportunities for the kids, MORE.

”I believe in love alone.” BUT…we can be satisfied in Christ. He is always enough. He can fill our heart. He can fill our soul. He can take away that hole in my heart because He loves me. He loves me with an unfailing love. He is love. Period. To quote another song-“All we need is Love”! Indeed!

My hope for me and my family and for you is that we all realize that the answer is always more of God. The answer to all my longings is God. When we turn to God in times of desire to ask “Is this your will for me?” and we listen, God will answer. When we ask ourselves “Is this decision based on Love or fear?”, we will know the answer. Then we can know the peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:7

King James Version (KJV)

⁷ And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 13:5

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.

FOOD!

So, for the last 5 months my family and I have been on an adventure regarding the food we eat. Inspired by the desire to help our kids, we embarked on a journey hoping to get some answers to some nagging questions.

We started by eliminating possible allergens.
      No:   sugar, eggs, dairy, wheat (gluten), soy, citrus, apples, peanuts (a few of us went off all nuts), chocolate, tomatoes, corn, legumes (we did eat green beans), yeast, gums, all foods ending in "ite" and "ate"
             
You might ask, "What did you eat?". Well, a lot of rice, potatoes, oats, fruit and vegetables. Our regular lunch was sunflower seed butter and rice cakes!  It was quite difficult--just ask the kids!  You would be amazed (I know I was) at what is in the food we eat and the supposedly healthy food we eat. Sugar is salad dressing, lunch meat, bread, bacon, etc. And soy, wow!  Soy is in cereal, rice mixes, marinades, granola bars and of course, Asian food! The first month we never ate out.

I was THRILLED! This was supposed to be about the kids but I was OVERJOYED!  I have never felt better! Or at least for a very long time.  And originally I was quite nervous.  You see, I was diagnosed almost 25 years ago as having Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  I battled with horribly painful spasms in my stomach and serious issues with bowels. If I ate a salad like a chef's salad, I would be in the bathroom before we finished doing the dishes. If I ate something like chili, same thing.

But by eliminating all the possible allergens I was not having any cramping or spasms or pain.  I was actually having regular bowel movements--I know TMI! But it was true. More honesty here--I had been praying to God about my stomach issues and been telling him that I would be happy if only I would have daily bowel movements.  That is how desperate I was.

The next step was to tryout, one at a time, the foods we had eliminated. A difficult process because you try it one day and then wait 3 more days to see how it interacts with your system. With some items I knew within a half an hour. With others it took several hours up to days. My oldest has had the hardest time of the kids--no more dairy, egg, almonds, or peanuts for her. The middle child keeps denying any problems. My son has no issues (just like his dad) except what we already knew-he gets eczema from eating too much soy products. I still have many foods to try.  I don't want to mess with a good thing. I have not been feeling as great these days. It's hard to eat limited foods for 5 months.  BUT, I would not trade this for the world.  My quality of life is so much better.  And all because I became willing to do something different.

Thank you God for willingness.  Thank you God for the mercy. Thank you God for the awareness.

Gratitude. I have been told many times by my sponsor in AA to make a gratitude list.  Sometimes I follow direction and do it; other times I don't but that's another blog post;)

I believe there have been many reasons I have been asked to do a gratitude list. One is to get me back into the present moment--back to reality. Another is to help me to see that what I do have is more than enough especially when I am feeling self pity. Maybe another reason is to see that God is taking care of me, always has and always will.  In any case, an "attitude of gratitude" is a great tool in to use for any type of recovery.

Sometimes a sponsee will say to me, I don't feel very grateful.  Well, at this stage I will suggest that they "fake it til they make it" meaning just do it anyway! There are always things to be grateful for. People to be grateful for. Even if it's just a few.  At some point I was told to list 10 items and I know that at times in my recovery I had a hard time coming up with that many. Self pity has been a character defect that I have battled with for a long time and I think for me that has been why I have had a hard time making gratitude lists.

So here is my basic gratitude list.
I am grateful for:   a cool (or warm or dry) house to live in
                            a working, safe car to drive
                            my husband
                            my children
                            my mother
                            my husband's parents
                            my God
                            my church
                            my church friends
                            AA
                            my AA friends
                           
Look at that!  11!
Old gratitude lists included:
                           this day
                           my cats
                           the sunshine
                           warm weather
                           my health
                           the kids taking naps
                           quiet time

You get the idea. Take some of mine. Write anything but do it.  Make a start. It will help. Fake it. Fake it until you actually start to feel grateful. Plus if you keep your lists, it's a great way to track your recovery.

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Psalm 69:30

I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Oh my gosh!  It's been almost a year and a half since I posted anything.  I have let my fears get the best of me.  I had a friend call me just yesterday and tell me a bout something she had just read.  It was about fear.  It said something like that if fear knocked at the door and faith answered that fear had no way of entering. I need to have faith that if God is leading me to do this and because of that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13.

So I want to write but to tell the truth I get a little overwhelmed with the details especially how often to write. I want to be consistent but I also want (have) to have a balance.  I have kids at home to teach, a house to run, errands to do, volunteering commitments to follow through on and kids to transport.  I feel like I should blog every day (for some reason) and when I don't I get discouraged. It's a dilemma.

Plus I am in a debate with myself about even publishing this because I haven't written in so long.  I feel shame, guilt, pressure, stress and fear.  I want to be responsible and write regularly but God knows I am not disciplined so he's going to have to discipline me--be careful what I ask for, huh?!  But am I going to let fear rule my life? You know what fear stands for, don't you?  False Evidence Appearing Real. Forget Everything And Run. Or am I going to Face Everything (fear) And Recover?

I can ask God to remove my fear and turn my attention elsewhere.  I can ask God to remove my fear and help someone else.  I can give God my fear because he tells me not to fear. "Fear not for I shall redeem you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1.  "Do not be afraid." Luke 2:10.

Fear.

What will your choice be?

More Lent Thoughts

Last week we had an assignment to make amends with an old friend. In the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous it is suggested that after taking an inventory that we make amends to persons we have harmed. This has always been a hard step for me. I have not completed my step work many times because of this particular step. It's hard to admit to someone that you have been wrong.

It really didn't take me long to think of someone. To some people it would have seemed silly and maybe not even worth mentioning but I have been thinking about it for a while. I knew that I was wrong when I took the action but it took me a while to figure out why I had done it. This particular amends was about me wanting someone else to be different--me wanting someone else to change--me thinking that my way was better. I was being judgmental. And in a very, sneaky, nasty kind of way I tried to make them not do what they wanted to do-a kind of peer pressure.

So the point is, I didn't want to make the amends. I tried halfheartedly tried to contact this person. Yes, I used the phone. She lives in another state so I didn't have much choice. She called me back and I wasn't available. So in a few days I called her back. My friend did not remember the circumstance but was very gracious in accepting the apology. She also said some nice things in return. It was a relief.

I don't have to carry this around any longer and I can have a cleaner relationship with my friend. Now when I see her again it won't be so strained. Thank God for forgiveness and mercy and grace. I would be a shadow of the person I am had it not been for God sending His Son to die on the cross for me and to take away my sins. Thank you Lord!

Fasting during Daylight hours

This was actually our directive for Wednesday, February 29th which happened to be Leap Day! We were to fast during the daylight hours. I was assigned the task of writing about it for our community group which meant I had to do it. Yikes!

I have a lot of issues around food and my body so I was feeling quite apprehensive about this task. So apprehensive in fact that I completely missed that there was scripture tied in with the fasting-Isaiah 48. I kept thinking about it and I guess God was trying to get me to look at my calendar. I was so focused and dare I say obsessed with my self that I wasn't focused on God. I missed the important part--the word of God. Bummer!

The fast itself was actually fairly simple. It kind of felt like the easier, softer fast since it was only for the daylight hours but since it was my first fast I guess I should be grateful. I ate breakfast in the dark (not literally) so I then only had to wait until about 7pm to eat dinner. I started feeling hungry at about 11:30am and I think Satan was up to his tricks. I was feeling a little weird so I prayed to God to be with me and I felt fine after that. Whenever I started thinking about food I would pray and the sensations eased.

What was also difficult for me was the starting to eat again. I didn't feel very hungry until I started eating. I was also concerned at what I was putting into my mouth and how would my body accept it. The scary part was the feelings I had after I started eating. I wanted to keep eating even though I knew I should have been full and satisfied and that reminded me of my eating disorders--especially the bingeing after depriving myself. I didn't over do it though and I physically felt fine after and did not have to berate myself for overdoing it.

All in all, the fasting was a good experience for me. I learned that I could be hungry and still be okay. I learned that not eating for 12 hours wouldn't kill me. And I also learned that "I can do all things with Christ Jesus who strengthenths me" Philippians 4:13. Last but not the very least at all, I learned to trust Jesus more and fear less. I actually have been relying on that since then.

Trust Jesus more, Fear everything less.